Original oil painting on canvas.

I started this expressionist self portrait after George Floyd was publicly murdered (lynched) by police officers in Minneapolis, in May of 2020. I was staying with my family for an extended period of time during what was already one of the strangest years to be alive due to the COVID19 pandemic. Although this country has a lengthy history of unjustly killing black people, there was something about this time that made it  too difficult for folks to just accept and move on with their lives. In fact, it was nearly impossible to process psychologically. Unable to move forward in silence, people took to the streets in peaceful protest and social media, they went to work (virtually) and talked to colleagues over Zoom, created and attended online seminars and training on race and implicit bias, hired black people, read books etc., all expressing the need to reignite the revolution. 

I arrived back at my Chicago Studio in June after the protests had mostly subsided to find my city on lockdown, the businesses around my place boarded up from being looted, and the streets deserted. Some of my friends who stayed there during the nights of rioting said they now have PTSD from feeling as though they were in a war zone. The arrival of the National Guard enhanced their fear. 

I felt myself starting to slip, mentally. I felt guilty for not being able to protest and I desperately needed an outlet for the rage and sadness that I was experiencing. I started painting these roses in June and did not finish until December. The face has a look of shock, and sadness as if there is a lump in the throat making it hard swallow. 

I needed to do something tedious and time consuming because as time passed and more terrible things transpired there was just more grief and confusion piled on top of the grief and confusion that was already there. I was not able to allow the reality of these events to pass through me. They could not be accepted. I wanted to send a message of “look what you’ve done” to the universe. This is the piece that got me through the toughest parts of 2020. It's a reflection of personal perseverance. I felt myself slipping and so I made this.