Episode 3: Survive or Thrive
Peek into the third episode of The Exhibit.
Survive or Thrive
Thinking back, at the height of the pandemic, all I could do was survive. Laying in bed for hours and days on end I thought, what’s life worth if I’m not able to spend it pursuing my passion and purpose? Through talks with my therapist, I realized I was wrestling with a lot of fear and anxiety related to things I have no control over.
For starters, the pressure to settle down and start a family. When I’m in a committed relationship, I put my whole heart in, and it leaves little space for building anything that's just for me. Although I desperately did not want to be alone, I spent countless days doing just that. This drove me to create my first large self portrait which marked the beginning of a change for me.
Self Portrait [THUG] 60” x 48” oil on canvas.
Even though my art was improving, and the pandemic brought me closer to my oldest friends through zoom, I wasn’t feeling any happier. I vividly recall a few difficult conversations I needed to have with my manager that mostly consisted of me crying through a screen and her telling me to take the time I needed.
After a year of dealing with debilitating depression and anxiety, I took my therapist's advice and got some medication from my doctor. If I’m being honest, I should have done this a long time ago. I realize this is not the answer for everyone but it’s exactly what I needed. I chose to ignore the stigma around medication I grew up believing and just did what I needed to heal.
Balancing out my mental state allowed me to be consistent with my art. I moved to a new building and became fast friends with my neighbors. The support and love they showed me was unexpected and invaluable. When I was cast in The Exhibit, I realized the switch had flipped and I was now thriving. The difficult decisions, long days working at jobs to make ends meet, longer nights trying to meet deadlines so my art can be seen, the rejections, the mistakes, the financial losses, it was all starting to pay off.
Life and Death
We’ve all experienced more death in the past few years than many have seen in a lifetime. Then another war started.
These impossible truths drove me to create 21st Century Guts. It took a year to paint and is an expression of the inability to process things that go against everything you feel is right, down to the bone. Externally, you’re standing in the middle of a tornado with no control over the things being hurled by you. Internally, it’s trying to digest and understand the impossible. It’s the colors of humanity, creativity, excrement, hate, and sorrow in a blender.
60” x 48” Oil on canvas. Limited edition prints available.
This week’s commission, Happy Pills and Screens, is a 36” x 48” oil painting. I didn’t win, but my friend, Jamaal, did and I’m happy with that. His “heroic vulnerability” moved us all. I spoke my truth and I believe that's all I needed to do.
Happy Pills and Screens 36” x 48” oil on canvas.